5 months ago
Back in 2015, NFL All-Pro tight end Rob Gronkowski (better known as “Gronk”) proclaimed he hadn’t “touched one dime of my signing bonus or NFL contract money.” Presumably he still hasn’t, because the off-field loot continues to roll in. It’s been Gronk’s good fortune to be on the New England Patriots. That means he plays for a winner, of course—he has two Super Bowl rings at age 28 and #3 may not be far behind. More than that, however, he fascinates football fans by remaining so damned Gronk while on a team with Bill Belichick. Go to two minutes in of the clip below to see Belichick’s reactions to each of the Patriots’ five touchdowns against a division rival. (After one score, Belichick is so overwhelmed with emotion that he lets himself engage in a fleeting smile.)
By contrast, this is Gronk discussing scoring his 68th touchdown and revealing himself to be a 12-year-old boy. (Albeit a massive 12-year-old boy who stands 6’6″.)
It was quickly realized there was money to be made off this manchild. With that in mind, here are some of the Gronk products and experiences available. Collect all the ones your budget (and spouse) will allow.
“When the game is over, the party don’t stop.” Have you ever wanted to bring a football and a Bluetooth speaker, but only had room for one of those items? Us neither. Nevertheless, Brookstone has solved this problem with the Gronkball, a “Bluetooth Speaker you can THROW.” (Just not too far, since it only has a 90-foot Bluetooth range.) Originally priced at $79.99, it’s currently available for $59.99.
Cordless Gronk Shiatsu Massager with Heat!
Brookstone’s other Gronk item focuses less on Gronk-the-unstoppable-party-animal and more on Gronk-the-unstoppable-pro-athlete looking to get “the most out of every workout.” Offering six massage nodes to “soothe hard-to-reach muscles in neck, back and shoulder blades,” it’s ideal for “massaging tight, sore quads and calves.” It costs $169.99 and lets you tell the gang you’ve had Gronk all over you. (Note: We strongly urge you not to say this.)
Gronk Fitness Products!
Time to get the rest of the clan involved. While Rob is the main attraction, he’s joined by his nearly as gigantic brothers Dan, Chris, Glenn, and Gordie, as well as “Papa.” (If you need Gronkowski family updates, you can always head over to Gronk Nation.) Gronk Fitness Products urge you to “Get Your Mind Right” with the help of equipment and apparel ranging from the 30′ Agility Ladder ($49.99) to the Zubaz Zebra Pattern Leggings ($29.87). The leggings are apparently intended for ladies, but Gronk could totally make the look work.
“The next morning our suite was totally annihilated. There was a fifteen-foot spider crack in the middle of the green marble floor and no one could figure out how that could happen to such a hard surface. The huge square couch that we used as a wrestling ring had blood, alcohol, and chocolate all over it. The TVs were shattered. There was a TV in the hot tub, fortunately not plugged in. There were teeth sitting on the counter and we still don’t know whose they were.”
And on that ominous note, let’s move in a more adult direction.
Gronk Party Buses!
It’s your chance to get the “Ultimate Gronk Experience” from Rockstar Limo. You can get the “87” (which accommodates to 12 passengers) for five hours for $1,263.94—Rockstar notes it is “designed by the Gronkowski family” and boasts “rare and hard to find memorabilia.” The “Yo Soy Fiesta” handles up to 22 and costs $1,408.39 for a five-hour block. (This one features a “dance pole,” “acrylic football field lighted ceiling w/ Gronk end zone,” and, most essential for those attempting to do some livin’ la vida Gronk, an onboard restroom.)
Of course, there’s one drawback to the party buses: they’re supposed to stay on land. (BOO!) Not the case with the next item.
Gronk’s Party Cruise! (Temporarily unavailable.)
In 2016, Gronk and 700-to-800 friends set out on a three-day cruise from Miami to the Bahamas. For about $800, Gronk lovers could climb aboard and for $275 more they could get the premium drink ticket. What could be better than that? How about the fact they were joined by over 1,500 people who didn’t sign up for Gronk’s Party Cruise, but just were planning to take a standard non-Gronk voyage on the Norwegian Pearl only to find themselves in the midst of more intoxicated Patriots fans than they ever imagined? Gronk and various family members (including Papa!) happily mingled throughout the journey while entertainment included the group LMFAO, best known for the #1 single “Sexy and I Know It.” This has so far been a onetime voyage, making Gronk’s original invite now seem a poignant reminder of a lost time:
It’s worth remembering that, even with all his antics, Gronk is a five-time Pro Bowler and a five-time All-Pro as well. He has a contract that made him the highest-paid tight end in the NFL, earning up to $10.75 million a season. And best of all, Gronk’s done it all while reminding Tom Brady that man does not have to live on TB12 electrolyte-laden water alone.