6 months ago
Joe Queenan of the Wall Street Journal recently wrote a column entitled “Please Stop Tarnishing Old Television Treasures.” The upshot was that Hollywood seemed to be really good at making classic, much-beloved television shows like CHiPs—which is getting a reboot on the big screen in March—into laughable, flop-worthy failures.
It got us thinking: How many great TV shows had been ruined on the silver screen over the years? Here’s our list.
Confession: We haven’t seen this yet, and we’re probably never going to see it (even after it goes straight to Redbox). I mean, have you seen the trailer? (See below.) It looks godawful, full of the same old tired clichés that have made cop comedies so abhorrent throughout the years (with the exception of Police Academy and Beverly Hills Cop, which is slightly more action than comedy). And though we really liked Dax Shepard in TV series Parenthood, as well as Mike Judge’s Idiocracy, this film version of the classic TV show has “DOA” written all over it.
The Lone Ranger (2013)
Johnny Depp’s bordering-on-racist portrayal of Tonto in this remake of the ’40s/’50s TV show that probably kept your dad glued to the TV set of his youth was the first major problem. The second? That the movie got made in the first place.
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009)
I will never forget how excited I was to see this movie; I’d grown up on the campy ’80s cartoon series and loyally collected the figures, vehicles, and comic books. I dragged a good friend to the theater to see it on its opening weekend, and about halfway through the film, I turned to him and apologized for bringing him. It was a ginormous waste of time. Laughably bad. And like Scooby-Doo (see below), its producers had the gall to make a forgettable sequel.
With just a 25 percent rating on Rotten Tomatoes, this remake of the classic TV show should’ve been a lot better, given that it co-starred comic genius Will Ferrell and Oscar-winner Nicole Kidman. (Not to mention Oscar-winner Shirley MacLaine.) Instead, it fell flat with audiences. Because you can’t “remake” Dick York or Elizabeth Montgomery.
The Dukes of Hazzard (2005)
Any movie that stars a guy from Jackass, Stifler from American Pie, and forgotten pop princess Jessica Simpson is a festering sore on the entertainment industry. It made a mockery of the original.
Zoinks! This movie was bad. So bad that they made a sequel two years later that was even worse. Clearly, if it wasn’t for all those meddling kids that went and saw it in the theater, none of this would’ve happened in the first place.
Charlie’s Angels (2000)
A movie starring the likes of Drew Barrymore, Lucy Liu, and Cameron Diaz was a major win for feminism and showed that a trio of the top actresses of the time could carry a blockbuster. But if you were one of the poor souls who had to sit through this one in the theater, we truly feel sorry for you. Just look at Diaz’s face in the photo above. Even she hated it.
The Mod Squad (1999)
Garnering just a four percent rating on Rotten Tomatoes, this remake of the classic late-’60s TV show never really had a heartbeat. It did star a late-’90s Claire Danes, who’s since made it up to the TV gods by starring in Homeland. But still, shame on her for thinking this was a good career move.
Inspector Gadget (1999)
“Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it.” That quote was from Matthew Broderick’s greatest comedic feat: Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. We can’t remember a single quote from this cartoonishly bad remake, Broderick’s comedic nadir.
The Flintstones (1994)
Look, we think John Goodman is the best. And so was ’80s/’90s movie staple Rick Moranis (he of Ghostbusters; Honey, I Shrunk the Kids; Spaceballs; and Strange Brew, among others gems). But of all shows to tarnish the reputation of, why this beloved ’60s cartoon? Its producers should’ve left it under the bedrock.
—Will Levith for RealClearLife