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30 Awards the Academy Won’t Be Handing Out This Weekend

An offbeat celebration of the best (and worst) films of 2018

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It’s no secret that the Oscars are less a celebration of the best films made in a given year than they are an ode to the best popular titles. Without a major U.S. distribution partner, a film is pretty much dead on arrival as far as the Academy is concerned.

Regardless, this year’s nominees seem an especially hapless bunch: three of this year’s Best Picture nominees weren’t even able to crack the top 50 on the best of 2018 list at They Shoot Pictures, Don’t They, a site that creates a weighted average based on top-10 lists from film critics around the world.

And so, each year, we take it upon ourselves to stage our own little awards ceremony, doling out 30 superlatives to the films that made us laugh, cry, cringe and more.

It makes for an offbeat celebration of the year in film, and we think you’ll enjoy it.

More fun. More categories. And far less musical.

Film Parents Everywhere Most Wish Was a Little Bit True: A Quiet Place

Film Parents Everywhere Most Fear IS a Little Bit True: Tully

Biggest Dick: Christian Bale as Cheney in Vice

Runner up: The Equisapiens, Sorry to Bother You

Film We Were Most Surprised to Find Out Wasn’t Narrated by by Neil Degrasse Tyson: A Star Is Born

Film We Were Most Surprised to Find Out Wasn’t a Piece of Anti-Hutt Galaxy PropagandaFree Solo

Best Double Feature for Understanding Economic Inequality in Contemporary East Asia: Crazy Rich Asians and Shoplifters

Goodest Boy: Bryan Cranston as Chief, Isle of Dogs

Worst Cocktail Recipe: Ethan Hawke’s Pepto-Bismol and Scotch, First Reformed

Best Title for a Future Biopic About Virginia’s Governor: Ralph Breaks the Internet

Best Name for a Dick Cheney Biopic: Can You Ever Forgive Me?

Most Likely to Have Been the Title of a Bill Clinton Biopic Prior to November 8, 2016: First Man

Lifetime Achievement Award for Tonsorial Excellence: Sam Elliott’s mustache, most recently seen in A Star Is Born

Image via A Star is Born / Warner Bros.

Best Proof You Should Be Looking Into Grandpa’s Frequent “Fishing Trips” a Little More Carefully: The Mule and The Old Man & the Gun (tie)

Best Proof You Should Be Looking Into Your Wife’s “Girls Trips” a Little More Carefully: Widows and Ocean’s 8 (tie)

Best Euphemism for Getting to Second Base Since “Getting to Second Base”: “Rub my leg,” Queen Anne, The Favourite

Most Likely to Have Stolen Your Grandma’s Dentures: Rami Malek, Bohemian Rhapsody

Image via Bohemian Rhapsody / 20th Century Fox

Fairy Tale Least Likely to Help Your Child Sleep at Night: Border, a Swedish fantasy film involving (spoilers) troll sex, maggot-eating, genocide and a child-pornography ring

Most Disappointing Film for Fans of When Harry Met Sally and You’ve Got Mail: The Meg

Best Free Ad for Mothers Against Drunk Driving: Peter and Charlie drive home from the party in Hereditary

Craziest Rich Asian: Steven Yuen as Ben, Burning

Worst Use of a Cage: Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

Best Use of a Cage: Mandy

Least Likely to Generate Ballet School ApplicationsSuspiria

Film That Could Have Been a Ninja Turtles Sequel With the Addition of a Few Eye Holes: Bird Box

Best White Driver Playing Sidekick to a Famous Black Man: Adam, BlacKkKlansman

Runner up: Viggo Mortensen as Tony Vallelonga, Green Book

Most Unexpected Pennywise the Clown Cameo: Margot Robbie in Mary Queen of Scots

Image via Mary Queen of Scots / Universal

Most Likely to Make You Take Your Kid’s Phone Away: Eighth Grade

Most Likely to Make You Give It Right Back: Unsane, which Steven Soderbergh shot entirely on iPhone

Single Best Scene You Will Watch This Year: Michael (Philip Ettinger) explains the imminent death of humanity to Reverend Toller (Ethan Hawke), entirely uprooting his faith in God in the space of 10 unbearably tense minutes

Single Best Film You Probably Won’t Watch This Year: Burning, a rich and complex South Korean drama based on a Murakami short story about a writer, an arsonist and the girl who comes between them

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